Left to right: Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Michael B. Jordan
Today the internet exploded once again (it seems to do that a lot) after hearing the news that Fox had completed casting of the primary roles for their Fantastic Four reboot, scheduled to hit theaters June 19, 2015. Unfortunately Fox forgot to ask the fans to approve their choices first and decided to make its own decisions like an independent adult. The internet responded by leaving nasty notes in Fox’s locker and spitting on its cafeteria pizza at lunchtime.
Fans who feel sole ownership of an intellectual property that’s been around for fifty years unanimously agreed everything about the four actors seen above is wrong. Reed Richards absolutely, positively must be middle-aged. Ben Grimm must begin as a muscular guy, because medical science has proven cosmic rays can’t possibly turn a short, thin guy into a giant rock monster. Johnny Storm has to be white, because all siblings in all Creation have identical skin tones. Sure, Jessica Alba wasn’t white in the last two movies either, but This Is Different. Thanks to these complaints, Fantastic Four has already been given a 5% Rotten rating on the Tomatometer sixteen months before release. That’ll show ‘em.
It’s easy for me to be nonchalant. I haven’t collected and enjoyed any FF comics since Dwayne McDuffie’s short run ended in 2008. I’m more flexible nowadays about my comics-to-movie adaptations and curious to see what director Josh Trank (Chronicle) and company have in mind for this new version, which reminds me of Marvel’s equally rebooted Ultimate Fantastic Four series from a while back.
But if you thought the radical departures began and ended with this diverse ensemble, wait’ll you see what else Fox has in store for us.
From the home office in Indianapolis, Indiana: Top 10 Even More Shocking Surprises in the Next “Fantastic Four” Film:
10. In the prologue a bland, time-traveling warrior kills the cast of the last two films.
9. The Thing’s skin is made of really dense super-bacon.
8. Doctor Doom admits his degree is a fraud; realizes no one’s checking credentials; changes his name to Fleet Admiral Doom.
7. No cameo by Stan Lee; instead we get a cameo by Stanley from The Office.
6. New Galactus is a sneering, thirty-foot-tall, alien trillionaire one-percenter with the power of super-snobbery.
5. Reed Richards is a college dropout but still knows everything ’cause he’s a lifelong geek and that’s close enough, and also his middle name is Mary Sue.
4. Shocking climax in which their mailman Willie Lumpkin snaps Paste-Pot Pete’s neck.
3. Alicia Masters is blind, deaf, mute, wheelchair-bound, one-eyed, and has third-degree burn scars, but she’s still white and hot so no one complains.
2. Movie contains as many as three other nonwhite actors.
And the number one Even More Shocking Surprise in the Next Fantastic Four:
Reed and Sue are brother and sister.
